I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
