I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
