i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
