Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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