I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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