I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The dick lei will go down in squad history
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
