It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
