i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
