so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
