Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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