explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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