Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
there is glitter all over my balls
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
