Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
