he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
