so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
