im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
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Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
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We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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