You just made me feel so damn special
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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