I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
COCAINE IS GR8
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
