god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
