I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
