Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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