I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
