gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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