apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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