if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
