Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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