i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
