The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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