Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
