my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
