I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
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