mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
