I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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