I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
