I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
