hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
