grandma shit on top of the toilet
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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