The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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