Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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