i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Randomize
