Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
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make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
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I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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