My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
