A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Enjoy the penises
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
