I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
