she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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