we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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