I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
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We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
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I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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