you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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