He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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