He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
