What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
