she was so not down for the gang bang
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
