I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
