youre lurking in front of me
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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