If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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