the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
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I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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