I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes